NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
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Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers