Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
I feel it
Every time my phone rings
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
yeah no that’s fair
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce