cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]