@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

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@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@BGH70

Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.

Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.

[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]

@ItsAndyRyan

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

@trumpetcake

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

@stuckinaportal

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

@

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

@YesThatAmy

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

@TheSadnesses

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]