This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?