[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Unexpected Judgment
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly