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I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.