Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
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*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!