Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.