A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
They’re called werewolves.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: