Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?