Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
This makes total sense…
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.