Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
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“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
so, is there a mister shapen head
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose