@PlopWaffle

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

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@EkaBakie

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

@pleatedjeans

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@Overdue_Bills

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

@ka_waltz

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

@Pork_Chop_Hair

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

@Trendingjoey

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts