Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark : No
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts