Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands


“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987


JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..


*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.


[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]


“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”


Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.


[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…


DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one