@PlopWaffle

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

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@bewgtweets

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@daemonic3

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

@justabloodygame

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

@mxrk

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

@sonictyrant

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

@Proxic0n

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY