Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
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Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys