Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
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“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?