You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance