The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes