When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili