Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Why is no one talking about this?!
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?