Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
You Might Also Like
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Note to self: always read the final line
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
that de-escalated quickly
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house