Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Called it
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox