WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
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Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.