Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it