I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
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My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.