“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
There is no “we” in pizza
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Pot warmers of the day.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.