Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands