I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
That lamp looks PISSED.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
one of
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…