That lamp looks PISSED.
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Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Doctors texting each other.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”