Doctors texting each other.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
That lamp looks PISSED.
still the best tweet of the year by far
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
who did the taste test?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I’m not wrong
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.