“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight