i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same