Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
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If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen