[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
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Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0