Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Van Gone
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.