@MarchForScience

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

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@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

@LifePitts

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@dreamthievin

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

@wildethingy

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

@Sanbel11

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

@oria2326

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

@BuckyIsotope

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.