Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.