If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
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Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”