My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
This is what makes twitter great
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp