*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.