BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?