5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
The news is so predictable nowadays
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”