Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
sin harder.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky