Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You Might Also Like
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.