Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
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Try Facebook.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”