*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
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*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.