“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
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trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of