How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
This is my brand.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography