Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”