I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Saw your ex at the shops
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.