Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
You Might Also Like
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
i meant to share this earlier
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?