Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
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My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
i will not be silenced
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR: