[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
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New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Fidel Castro was alive?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito