I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Check out the legs on this baby
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money